Find my family

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soup soup, something that stood out to me above all else. It's something that you've alluded to but not directly stated yourself.

Before your search began in earnest, you had very little to go off. You had no idea who he was, save for a few tidbits about him being very secretive. As things heated up, as you found out more, his avoidance, his unwillingness to even entertain the thought of meeting you, would basically have been a confirmation of sorts of your worst fear - that your Dad is an arsehole who not only does not give a shit enough about his son to stay in his life, but is actively trying to avoid answering for it, taking zero responsibility.

From what you have said, the reality was nothing like that. In my mind, it seems to me that the reason he left in the first place is that he is so unsure of himself, so cautious as to what he should invest his affection in to, that he was too terrified to even make a go of it. Like you said, effectively a simple man who lives off the land, overwhelmed by hustle and bustle, a social awkwardness. This is the complete opposite of the uncaring and unrepentant man that he seemed he could be.

You know what I think? I think he loved you. I think he has always loved you. I sincerely doubt that there was a day that went by that he didn't think of you. The reluctance to meet you wasn't because he didn't want anything to do with you. I think that he didn't want to be put in to the position to disappoint you again. That's what this "no expectations" is about IMO.

Who knows what has happened to him in his past, or what he has done in his past. There may be things beyond abandoning you that he is not proud of and does not know where to begin opening up, even if he wanted to. That may be too much for him. You are right, it may well be the last time you ever see him. But again, he will never stop thinking of you, never stop loving you.

It seems to me you've found all your answers. Not only who your father is, but why he did what he did. And they seem to be nothing to do with rejecting you, with not caring about you, not thinking that you are not worth having in his life. What he did was wrong, and nothing can ever fix that, but now, for the first time in your life, I think that maybe you can start to understand. In the circumstances that you were born in to (if I recall correctly), you were like the city - simply too much, too bright, too loud, too busy, for a simple man to handle. He shied away because he was ashamed and thought he couldn't endure it. Not because of who you were.

That feeling of what was "broken" in you? It stems from this feeling of rejection, of worthlessness I presume. Maybe the feeling has been that you, yourself, are literally flawed, broken, which is why you were rejected. Maybe for the first time ever, the reason you feel like it's been lifted is because you now know you weren't rejected. You don't feel broken any more, because you were never broken in the first place.

Either that or I read too much in to stuff. Whatevs, still happy for you.
 

soup

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soup soup, something that stood out to me above all else. It's something that you've alluded to but not directly stated yourself.

Before your search began in earnest, you had very little to go off. You had no idea who he was, save for a few tidbits about him being very secretive. As things heated up, as you found out more, his avoidance, his unwillingness to even entertain the thought of meeting you, would basically have been a confirmation of sorts of your worst fear - that your Dad is an arsehole who not only does not give a shit enough about his son to stay in his life, but is actively trying to avoid answering for it, taking zero responsibility.

From what you have said, the reality was nothing like that. In my mind, it seems to me that the reason he left in the first place is that he is so unsure of himself, so cautious as to what he should invest his affection in to, that he was too terrified to even make a go of it. Like you said, effectively a simple man who lives off the land, overwhelmed by hustle and bustle, a social awkwardness. This is the complete opposite of the uncaring and unrepentant man that he seemed he could be.

You know what I think? I think he loved you. I think he has always loved you. I sincerely doubt that there was a day that went by that he didn't think of you. The reluctance to meet you wasn't because he didn't want anything to do with you. I think that he didn't want to be put in to the position to disappoint you again. That's what this "no expectations" is about IMO.

Who knows what has happened to him in his past, or what he has done in his past. There may be things beyond abandoning you that he is not proud of and does not know where to begin opening up, even if he wanted to. That may be too much for him. You are right, it may well be the last time you ever see him. But again, he will never stop thinking of you, never stop loving you.

It seems to me you've found all your answers. Not only who your father is, but why he did what he did. And they seem to be nothing to do with rejecting you, with not caring about you, not thinking that you are not worth having in his life. What he did was wrong, and nothing can ever fix that, but now, for the first time in your life, I think that maybe you can start to understand. In the circumstances that you were born in to (if I recall correctly), you were like the city - simply too much, too bright, too loud, too busy, for a simple man to handle. He shied away because he was ashamed and thought he couldn't endure it. Not because of who you were.

That feeling of what was "broken" in you? It stems from this feeling of rejection, of worthlessness I presume. Maybe the feeling has been that you, yourself, are literally flawed, broken, which is why you were rejected. Maybe for the first time ever, the reason you feel like it's been lifted is because you now know you weren't rejected. You don't feel broken any more, because you were never broken in the first place.

Either that or I read too much in to stuff. Whatevs, still happy for you.
You're on the money mate. I barely need add anything to that. Thanks for the huge lump in my throat!
 

soup

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How's it all going with the Ol' boy soup? Hope it's going well mate
Cheers Rico, outside of a few text messages back-and-forth, not much has been happening. I have been meaning to call and send some more photos by email. Might do that today since you've reminded me. I've been a bit slack on it tbh.
 

soup

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I’m sorry for being a royal cunt Morkel Morkel. You were one of the greatest supporters of me through this stage of my life and when it came to what was important to you, I let you down. Know that I appreciate you.

I just contacted my father for the first time in like 6 months. Fear of rejection, as he knew too. Anyway, it made me think of you all and the important role you have all played in this chapter of my life. Love to all.
 

FaithinHook

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Can also confirm Morkel Morkel is a quality advice giver, even if he is a bit of nutjob sometimes. :p
Morkel, you sir are part of the reason bronco hq is regarded as one of the best forum on the internet . I have never heard you say a bad word about any one, an you always give out support an advise when people ask to the best of your knowledge an ability. It is a pleasure to speak with you . An your family is bless to have you.
 
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I’m sorry for being a royal **** Morkel Morkel. You were one of the greatest supporters of me through this stage of my life and when it came to what was important to you, I let you down. Know that I appreciate you.

I just contacted my father for the first time in like 6 months. Fear of rejection, as he knew too. Anyway, it made me think of you all and the important role you have all played in this chapter of my life. Love to all.
Whaaaa?

What for? All I can think of is a particular thread that brought out the worst in all of us. Absolutely nothing to be apologetic about, I know you well enough to know that what was said came from a position of trying to help me. Nothing more needs to be said...

...Until the thread is unlocked...

Morkel, you sir are part of the reason bronco hq is regarded as one of the best forum on the internet . I have never heard you say a bad word about any one, an you always give out support an advise when people ask to the best of your knowledge an ability. It is a pleasure to speak with you . An your family is bless to have you.
You're a liar.

 

soup

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Whaaaa?

What for? All I can think of is a particular thread that brought out the worst in all of us. Absolutely nothing to be apologetic about, I know you well enough to know that what was said came from a position of trying to help me. Nothing more needs to be said...

...Until the thread is unlocked...



You're a liar.

Yep, that religion thread. In a way, it was a good experience to learn from.
 
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Morkel, you sir are part of the reason bronco hq is regarded as one of the best forum on the internet . I have never heard you say a bad word about any one, an you always give out support an advise when people ask to the best of your knowledge an ability. It is a pleasure to speak with you . An your family is bless to have you.
Huh ? Never a bad word ha ha ha haha ! Fuck, morks gave it to me both barrels on multiple occasions but I bear no ill will !!! When a puppy wees on the carpet you can feel mad but, the poor thing can't understand and morks is similar, how can one be mad when you know deep down inside someone simply cannot grasp how utterly insignificant we humans are in the grand scheme of things.
 

soup

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So...

This’ll probably seem hard to believe, or understand, but I haven’t talked to my biological father since my last update.

I feel less yearning to connect now that I’ve met him. I know that my disconnection with him over the last year has been harsh on him, but I haven’t really ‘needed’ him like I did before establishing contact. I suppose if I drill into what that means, I haven’t had him for all of my life so the relationship (past meeting him) has felt a bit redundant.

My family and I are having a week at the Gold Coast as a holiday, the first we’ve had since my son was born over 3 years ago, and knowing his connection to the Gold Coast, it’s been playing on my mind for the last month or so.

I’ve just texted him to let him know so that he has an opportunity to catch up with us. It’s been a year since I last spoke with him or saw him. I feel like a prick. At the same time, I think where were you for 37 years. I get that that’s a cop out.

If I were to communicate how I really feel and the ‘why’ I haven’t contacted him, it’s because I never thought I’d have contact, so to a large degree, I’ve succeeded in my intentions and don’t know where to go from here. I’ve successfully (with a more than a million blips) navigated life without him.

Anyway, I’ve texted him to let him know that we are at the Goldy to give him opportunity to see us. Tbh, I could have done this weeks ago to give him a fair go of seeing me and his grandson. I feel like a bit of a cunt for leaving it until the last minute, but I let myself off by rationalising that I was the one who started all this. I know that’s not okay.

Will let you know what unfolds. Peace brothers and sisters.
 

Harry Sack

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A year since you've spoken with him? I get your feelings and completely understand them (as much as i can anyway) but did he not try and contact you during this time? Your explanation of your feelings towards it all nails it btw, a friend of mine had a very similar experience. Set out to find her bio Dad, did......and that was the end of it really. She felt no need of him after that.
 

soup

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I just called him out of impatience and we’re meeting him on Sunday morning...

How do I express this... it feels more like an obligation?

I am excited to see him again but I could have left it.

Anyway, all’s well that ends well.
 
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soup

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I also texted my uncle, his brother, and he just called me. I should be SO GRATEFUL, and I am, that both of them cared enough to make the effort and answer or call.

I feel like such a cunt, but a lucky one.
 

soup

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I also just found out that my grandmother died a few months ago, and for those following on from home, I never got to meet her.

Sad moment.
 
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I also texted my uncle, his brother, and he just called me. I should be SO GRATEFUL, and I am, that both of them cared enough to make the effort and answer or call.

I feel like such a ****, but a lucky one.
Hey don't feel bad. I can relate. As awful as it sounds, I often feel that way towards my family, ie, obligated to ring them / see them. I mean, they know me, they know I love them and they know that me not ringing them for a month doesn't mean anything, but I do still feel like an ungrateful shit after they, you know, raised me etc.
 

soup

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A year since you've spoken with him? I get your feelings and completely understand them (as much as i can anyway) but did he not try and contact you during this time? Your explanation of your feelings towards it all nails it btw, a friend of mine had a very similar experience. Set out to find her bio Dad, did......and that was the end of it really. She felt no need of him after that.
He may have texted me shortly after meeting him, I don’t remember. But yeah, he didn’t pursue it doggedly.

It is what it is.
 

soup

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Just want to say, after a few tears, it’s the usual suspects that are SO supportive. Thank you fellas. Lotsa love in my heart for you all.
 
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