Find my family

Discussion in 'General Talk' started by soup, May 12, 2014.

  1. Rico

    Rico QCup Player

    Sorry to hear that soupie. You could have scolded him by saying he gave up on you some 37 years ago but again your the bigger man. It’s a credit to you and your young son.

    I think your relationship with the old guy may have found it’s level even if it’s not great, any breakdown won’t be your doing. There wouldn’t be a soul on this forum that would judge you for whatever path you take. If u told the suspicious old buggar to beat it, I for one would think that’s fair enough.

    Keep some air in your tyres, your a good man.
    soup likes this.
  2. Ha ha, dna test ! I remember the photo you posted and I'd be having a fat stack on father son. Nevertheless he may have lingering doubts and that's totally fair enough he wants to kill those doubts. Putting myself in his shoes and trying to think as I imagine he might, I'd want to be certain because when I became certain I'd have an outpour of emotion. Like a lot of men, I'd die for my child as they would for theirs and if I realised I had a child ,no matter it's age I'd feel strong and unsettling emotion. There's no way to really tell how it's affected him, in fact it may have made him act irrationally.

    Not wanting a casual relationship tells me it's that important. If he knows you are his son then he commits without reservation, not knowing for certain makes him nervous as hell, he keeps imagining going in boots and all and then finding out later he's not related, maybe a situation that terrifies him. ( I don't claim this paragraph as 'the facts' just my thoughts )

    I can't tell you what to do but a dna test sounds like a fabulous idea for both you and him, it's not an insult or a denigration of your mum, it's all about certainty before he commits. A committed dad sounds like something you never really had, look for the silver lining from certainty.
    Kimlo, soup and Nashy like this.
  3. Rico

    Rico QCup Player

    I’d doubt a DNA test would all of a sudden make him want to pick up the phone and want to kick start a full father son set up. If you push on soup, understand that it will in all likeliness mean you’ll do all the leg work.

    As per @Huge@Huge, I’d back it for the map for a match and I think he knows that.
    soup likes this.
  4. soup

    soup State of Origin Rep

    Thanks fellas.

    I always argue dilemmas from multiple viewpoints and anyone watching my facial expressions as the time can see that I’m having an argument with myself within my head.

    I agree with a lot of what you have said and I also understand that my own directness comes from him, but his is on steroids in terms of abruptness. Regardless, it’s great to have a direct conversation with people as it so rarely happens these days.

    His mother always directed him to have nothing to do with me for financial reasons and she was a known troublemaker in the family creating constant disharmony with paranoid delusions and controlling behaviour. Unfortunately in recent years (since I’ve been a topic of conversation I suppose), she declined badly with dementia, amplifying the trouble she created. This is what I’ve been told by her two sons over the last couple of years.

    My first reaction was to tell him off, matching his directness, but I somehow gained composure and explained why I subconsciously disconnected. He’s a smart man, so I believe he connected the dots and understood. He was very anxious after a tough week, and previous couple of months since his mother had died and now having to be executor of the will and whatnot. He told me that upfront this morning as soon as I met him, so I let him off a bit for the shit attitude.

    He is underestimating me though, and in time he will need to endure my directness. I have some home truths for him if this shit keeps up.

    I’ll go through with the DNA test happily, and without any concern for the results. I’ll also reengage more regularly, but I’ve stated that he needs to pull his socks up, too. I gave him an ounce of my firmness today, and I think he respected that. His beloved mother recently died and he’s struggling with it, so I’ll give him the benefit of doubt.
    bb_gun, Kimlo, BroncosAlways and 2 others like this.
  5. soup

    soup State of Origin Rep

    Yeah, I’m thinking that will be how this story unfolds. Me investing in his having a son and grandson, with little return for myself in having a father. I don’t even know what I want or expect, so I suppose I better give that some serious thought.
    Rico likes this.
  6. I understand your doubts Rico but whatever his reasons for wanting a dna test I prefer a glass half full outlook ! I think it's worth the investment and for some people, knowing with certainty is absolutely essential before they risk opening up and letting you into their world. Who knows, he might just know exactly how fragile his mental health is and what may personally be at risk were he to commit to relationship as important as father son. I don't know the man but I'd have to put his mind at ease. Hell, I'd chip in for the dna test, a great stories worth it !
    Nashy, Kimlo, Porthoz and 1 other person like this.
  7. soup

    soup State of Origin Rep

    Your a wise man Rico. It seems your predictions/intuition are playing out.

    I called him again today, mostly out of obligation. He’s still never called me. Never...

    Had a good half hour chat, which I enjoyed because we think alike. When it came time to say goodbye, he brought up the elephant in the room which was him seeing his GP for advice regarding the DNA test. His GP recommended a clinic at Southport that does it for $250, but as my research indicates, cheap means you give away the rights of your DNA. I’m not interested in that shit, for me or the future of my son. He’s a tight arse and when I explained the implications (think Gattica), he said it is of no concern to him due to his age. **** You ****! Selfish bastard. My son and I should be his primary concern, not an extra couple of hundred dollars that would ensure all parties retain the right to keep their DNA private.

    This has solidified and reiterated the selfish decisions this bloke has made throughout his life. He has not supported my mother or I one bit in 39 years. Now, he demands a DNA test, but on his terms. I didn’t want or need it, but decided to meet him halfway financially. Now, he says that if I want the more expensive test (500 compared to 250), I have to pay the lion’s share. WTF!?

    I’m not backwards in coming forward, normally, but with people I care about, I’m kinda the exact opposite. I’m so confused that my head hurts.

    To reiterate, I tried to contact him a few years ago and he hid for two years. I continued to try and eventually found a way. To his credit (the only time he’s extended himself) he came up to the coast to meet. Over the past 18 months that we’ve been in some sort of contact, I’ve bared my soul in tens of thousands of words through emails (to which I received 2 sentence replies at most), called him one hundred percent of the time, and he’s now asking me to pay for a DNA test that protects his son’s and grandson’s future.

    ****! ****! I’m so confused...
  8. Hum
    Tell me what it costs. I'll pay for the whole test.
    Wolfie, GKDonkey, Kimlo and 3 others like this.
  9. soup

    soup State of Origin Rep

    Bloody hell mate, you are so generous and I’m truly grateful. Thank you, sincerely. Over coffee this morning, I told my partner of this post and your PM and we were both almost moved to tears of the sheer generosity from a stranger, and my fortune of finding and being a part of an amazingly supportive community in general here at BHQ.

    We aren’t flush with cash, but I can afford it considering the nature of the expense. It’s more the principle of it, you know. His brother warned me of his attitudes a few years ago, and I’m starting to witness it first hand.

    I’m not entirely sure what I’ll do yet, but I’m 90% sure that I’ll go through with it and pay whatever I have to and afterwards, I’ll let this experience shape how I deal with him (in terms of honesty and level of interaction) post-DNA test. The test will lawfully document that he is my father, providing me and my son the ability to gain EU citizenship (not that I need it, but it will be handy for my son).

    It just occurred to me that I’m only talking about one of my sons and that’s because I’m not on the birth certificate of my first son (now adult). This of course can benefit him too if he chooses to change his birth certificate.

    I had a few too many red wines last night so I’m gonna get back to being a pile of mush. This stringing words together with a hangover is entirely over-rated, but I wanted to thank you @Huge@Huge for your kindness.
    Sproj likes this.
  10. Normally if I need to say something the words are there, ready to go but I'll admit I just can't put into words exactly the correct response. I'm going to say, happy to help but all I've really done is offer. Good luck gets used a lot as a throwaway line but I do hope you get a happy result.
    soup likes this.
  11. Rico

    Rico QCup Player

    Hey soupie, hope you’re back having a red with your missus again tonight. He’s a suspicious and tight old bastard through age and ethnicity but as disappointing as it is, I’m not surprised.

    Whilst you might have some similarities, your a real family man of high morals where he doesn’t seem to be. I reckon he’d be worried about the financial outcomes even though the furtherest thing from your mind would be his shitty net worth if he pegged it.

    Keep pushing on mate and for completeness, get the test done (even if you have to meet half of the cost). You may have more kids that could benefit from his polish background if nothing else and you’ll get some closure if you don’t end up having a relationship which seems a fair bet st this point mate.
    ningnangnong and soup like this.
  12. soup

    soup State of Origin Rep

    I just sent this to my “father”. I felt I needed to to be the father that I need to be, and to do that, I need d to close a toxic chapter to help me to focus.

    I offered nothing but love (from my whole family) and acceptance, forgetting your impotence of being an active father, an interested party, or even something more than simply being curious.

    I can say no greater statement than it's your life's greatest loss.

    I wanted nothing.

    You stated that you deleted my heart felt emails. Such is your reality. I am not your equal, I'm your protégée. But, you chose not to participate. I'm not talking 39'years, I had forgiven you for that, and opened my heart for you to play a part.

    You're a selfish human. I know this isn't the first time you've heard it, but you will die with this thought in your heart. You deserve no less.
    I have no hate, though you may want to see it differently. Just disappointment.

    There was absolutely no expectation on you. BUT, you never called me. Not once.
    You created your own reality.

    Doubting my heritage and expecting me to pay for my son's own privacy via a DNA test that held up to the rigours of privacy laws was the final straw.

    We are having another child. It's a shame that through your actions you will never play a part. By the way, you are a great-grandfather.
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2019
  13. A person would go crazy trying to understand the reasoning behind his stance. When you know you have done all you can it's easier to live with. You can only leave the door ajar. I can imagine how it feels, it's like being rejected for a second time only this time there's no excuse for it.
    Harry Sack likes this.
  14. Well said, you did all you could by the sounds of it. As you stated, best to close that book and start writing your own.

    Best of luck with everything.
    abashii and Harry Sack like this.
  15. Rico

    Rico QCup Player

    Good on you soupie, he deserved that. Exhausted all avenues and nothing more can be done. I hope that brings some closure.

    great news on your second baby. Put your energies into that mate.
  16. Wolfie

    Wolfie State of Origin Rep

    Mate, only just discovered this entire thread ( Living under a rock! ). I think you have shown a lot of patience, dignity and class throughout. You have given your father every chance to be a part of your life, and he has chosen to turn down that chance. Imo, its his loss now.

    All i can really say is i hope my son turns out like you.
    Rico, soup and abashii like this.

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